Define Hot…

I love spicy food and use Dorset Naga Peppers (world’s hotest) in my cooking sometimes. I often remember that Simpson’s episode where they have the annual Springfield Chilli Cook-Off and Homer eats super-spicy chilli made by Chief Wiggum using a dangerous Guatemalan Insanity Pepper grown by mental patients.

Today thinking about lunch, I started to wonder what fictitious hot pepper and/or preparation method I could come up with for my own variety of pepper. Here’s one idea:

Start with peppers grown on the South Seas island of Bora Gora hand pick by 72 native virgin females, then dried on the thighs of Californian porn stars, while under the influence of Ecstasy, and vacuum packed (sans porn stars).

In preparation for cooking, the peppers should be rehydrated by wearing them strung around the neck, while dancing to heavy techno or similar high energy music in a night club for at least three hours and under the influence of several vodka-red-bulls (to taste). Only then are they ready to be used in the chilli pot or other spicy cuisine.

I was wondering what I would call this particular pepper. My buddy Steve F. suggested fuckaneros, but it lacks in subtlety what it makes up for in simplicity. All I could come up with at the moment was Tropical Red Porn Pepper.

I wonder what other people might call my “hot pepper” or how they would define their own. Leave comments.